Doubt
by ElderPrice197
Summary: Kevin is perfect, Connor is far from it. When they end up as roommates, they struggle to deal with what comes next. (McPricely college AU)
1. Chapter 1

**Note: I am English and have no idea how American universities or colleges work, so this is all based off of visiting one american college about a year ago, a bit of research and reading other fanfictions.**

Kevin Price was perfect. He never had a strand of hair out of place, his teeth were shining white, he breezed through school with the best grades his high school had ever seen, and now he was sailing through college without a hitch. Truly, he was meant for incredible things, and was determined on his way to getting them. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Kevin was perfect. Out of his siblings he was the eldest, the smartest, and, if he was being honest, the most attractive. He never missed church, and he prayed every morning and every evening, just like he was supposed to. He carried the Book with him wherever he went. So then how could a boy so perfect, suddenly feel so broken.

Connor McKinley was far from perfect. He knew it, and wasn't ashamed of it. He was a mess in the mornings, barely scraped by in his exams, and the only thing he excelled at was drama. It came as no surprised to his parents that their far-from-perfect son was gay. His confession was met only with disappointment and silence. Although he was raised Christian, he always made an excuse to miss church services, and he threw out his Bible the first opportunity he got. Connor was used to being the odd one out. He only had a few close friends, but they were all he needed. Connor was content, and happy just being himself.

Kevin made his way to his room on the first day of college. His parents had dropped him off outside, and now he was alone. Well, alone, until he met his roommate. They had spoken only a bit, over text, after finding out they were sharing a room together. Kevin knew that his name was Connor, he enjoyed theater productions, and that he was planning to major in drama. To his relief, Kevin found that he was the first one out of the two to reach their room. He set his bags down on the one of the beds and started to unpack. He filled less than half of the shared wardrobe with his clothes, before sitting down, just to think. Here he was, far away from home, surrounded by strangers. Kevin couldn't be any further out of his comfort zone, but he hoped that he would slowly get used to it. After all, he had to last four years there. Standing up to look out of the window, he saw one of the many campus gardens. There were groups of people, sitting or standing around. They all looked like they were enjoying themselves. Seeing other people happy always seemed to boost Kevin's mood, and soon he was back to quietly unpacking, now starting on his books. He didn't have many books, as every book he read had to be approved by his parents, to make sure it wasn't blasphemous in any way. He stacked the books in several small piles under his bed, making sure he kept the Book on his bedside table. It was at this point that the door opened, and a boy, who Kevin could only assume to be Connor McKinley walked in. Connor looked out of breath, and his light brown hair was a little messy. He smiled at Kevin, and Kevin smiled back before sticking out his hand.  
"I'm Kevin, Kevin Price"  
"I guessed," Connor chuckled, before shaking Kevin's hand, "I'm Connor McKinley, in case you didn't know."

There was no denying it, Connor looked like a mess. He knew it, and he didn't care. He had been rushing around the campus trying to find his room, and now that he had, he just happened to have the most attractive boy he had ever seen as his roommate. It was going to be a long four years. He put his bags down and decided to follow Kevin's example and unpack.  
"So what time did you get here?" He asked, in a desperate attempt to break the silence, and start a conversation. Kevin looked at his watch before returning to his bags, now unpacking the odd things that he'd bought with him,  
"About half an hour ago, I think." He replied, seeming more interested in unpacking than talking. Connor started putting his clothes away, while glimpsing at Kevin's choices of clothing. They were plain t-shirts or button downs mostly, nothing of interest really caught his eye. It seemed that the two boys were as different as they could be. While taking in his surroundings, Connor noticed a book on Kevin's bedside table. He picked it up to look at it,  
"What's this?" Connor asked, as Kevin looked up, "You're a Mormon?"  
"Yeah," Kevin said nonchalantly, not wanting to bring much attention to the fact. He felt it might not be as great a thing as it was back home. Connor nodded, as if to merely acknowledge the fact before placing the Book where he'd found it, and returning to his unpacking. It was going to be a very long four years.

The rest of the evening went by swiftly. There wasn't much conversation, usually just questions about certain objects, or what classes they had signed up for. After comparing timetables, they found out that they had English literature class and psychology class together. It wasn't much, but it was comforting for each of them to know that they weren't entirely alone for their classes, even if they didn't seem to have much in common. They both went to bed at about the same time, although Connor fell asleep almost instantly, whilst Kevin lay awake. It wasn't usual for him to not be able to sleep, but for some reason he was being kept awake. There was a nagging feeling in his chest. He couldn't quite understand it; he was basically never nervous, so that wasn't likely. He turned to look at Connor, who had fallen asleep on his back, his arms stretched above his head. His hair was fanned out onto his pillow and his feet were just about sticking out from the end of the duvet. It was then that Kevin's stomach lurched, making him look straight up at the ceiling. _No,_ he thought, _definitely not_.

Connor's dreams were filled with the image of the black-haired boy lying on the bed just a few feet away. Sure, he'd had dreams about boys before, but this felt different. In his dreams, he was holding Kevin's hand and just walking around campus. Occasionally he would wake up and look over at Kevin. Sometimes Kevin was also awake, muttering to himself, but sometimes he was asleep. He looked so peaceful then. Comparing awake Kevin to asleep Kevin, Connor had noticed that when he was awake, Kevin looked focused and stressed almost constantly, but when he was asleep the trouble left his face, and he was left like a blank canvas. Connor took note of the way Kevin's hair started to get messy and fall in his face, and the way Kevin slept on his side, holding the pillow in his arms. Connor lay back, trying to think about anything but the perfect Mormon boy sleeping across the room. Instead, he managed to fall asleep with thoughts of the next day in his head. He had decided he would try and talk to Kevin more.


	2. Chapter 2

Kevin woke up early, surprised he had even managed to get to sleep. It had been a rough night. Getting out of bed and checking the time on his watch he decided that 4 in the morning could be considered an appropriate time to shower. Being careful to not wake Connor, who didn't look like he could be waken, he picked out some clothes for the day and padded to the bathroom barefoot and got himself ready. While in the shower he took time out to think. His parents had warned him that at times his mind would betray him, but it was all just God's way of testing his devotion. He wouldn't let it get to him, he had to focus on his schoolwork, not his roommate. As he dried himself off and put on his clothes, a dark red t-shirt with jeans. None of his clothes were very interesting, but Kevin didn't think they had to be. He quietly sneaked back into the dorm and sat on his bed to say his morning prayers, even if it was a bit early to do so. There wasn't much else for him to do except wait for his classes to start, and since his first class was at 11:30, he was going to be waiting for a long time.

Connor was woken by his phone alarm. He rubbed his eyes before instinctively turning it off. His mind was groggy as he attempted to remember what he was dreaming about. Something about Kevin, who was now looking up from his book at Connor.  
"Good morning," he said, fairly cheerily. Connor smiled and muttered a 'good morning' back, although it wasn't particularly audible. He checked the time. 8:00. He knew that his first class was 11:30, with Kevin, but he got up anyway, not wanting to make a bad impression on his first full day. He figured he'd wait a week before getting _that_ lazy. He looked over to see that Kevin had returned to his book. Connor wondered how long he'd been awake, but figured he'd ask after he'd showered, and was a bit more presentable. Taking his clothes with him, he headed to the bathroom and got himself ready.

Kevin smiled to himself while reading. It wasn't because of the book, but because he thought Connor was kind of funny in the mornings. His hair was standing up on end as if it had a mind of its own, his eyes remained half closed and his voice was croaky, yet, somehow, it was still endearing. It wasn't long before Connor came back into the room. He seemed infinitely more awake after a shower, as he came bounding into the room with a grin on his face.  
"Did you sleep well?" He asked, sitting next to Kevin on the bed. He was close, but not that close. Kevin gave a little shrug,  
"Not really," He didn't want to make a big deal of it. He knew people, especially his parents, worried when he couldn't sleep, mostly because it wasn't normal. But Connor didn't know that, not yet.  
"Why not? You nervous or something?" It was fairly clear now that Connor was wanting to make conversation, and wasn't going to give up as easily as he did the evening before. Kevin shrugged again,  
"I guess, it doesn't happen that often though," By now he'd put down his book beside him. "I don't think anything's been big enough to make me that nervous, if you know what I mean."

Connor nodded. He was glad that Kevin seemed to be opening up more. They stayed there talking for a while. Connor learnt that Kevin was highly praised back home, and that his parents were expecting almost perfect grades. It seemed unfair to Connor, that so many expectations were placed on just one kid. Hell, if he had to do just one of the things Kevin was expected to do, he would be stressed out of his mind. Yet Kevin was assuring him that it was nothing, and that it didn't bother him at all. Connor guessed that once you were used to something, it didn't affect you as much. But Kevin shouldn't be used to it. And it still wasn't fair.

Kevin was confused about Connor. They were so different in almost everything, yet somehow they still always had something to talk about. It didn't seem like long before they had to go to class. They kept talking all the way to class as well, getting lost occasionally, thanks to Connor's impeccably awful sense of direction. It was a sense of freedom for Kevin, because he was allowed to talk about things that would have gotten him ridiculed back home. Kevin learnt that Connor had been raised Christian, but had abandoned religion. Kevin knew it wasn't his place to convert anyone, least of all his new friend, so he stayed quiet. Kevin spoke about his family, and how he was going to be the one to make them all proud. He had to assure Connor on several occasions that he wasn't stressed or worried about anything his parents expected of him, and that it was something he was very accustomed to. They seemed to be finding more differences than similarities, but it didn't stop them from talking. In fact, Kevin was glad to be hearing a different side to everything, a new voice that he hadn't had the chance to hear yet. A voice that he hadn't been allowed to hear.

"That was the most boring class I have ever been in," Connor groaned, as he walked out of the classroom next to Kevin, who merely chuckled at his friend.  
"How about we sit around in one of the gardens and relax?" He offered, wanting to look around the campus for a nice spot to just hang out. Connor's face lit up,  
"I saw a really nice spot while I was looking for our dorm yesterday," He said, grabbing Kevin's wrist and dragging him along, trying to remember exactly where it was. His memory seemed to be failing him as he seemed to drag Kevin all the way around campus before almost admitting defeat. That was when he saw it. It was a large, grand tree that had an old bench at its base. It was hard to believe that no one was already there. Connor let go of Kevin's wrist and almost sped up to a run. Kevin rubbed his now red wrist and followed Connor to the bench. He had to admit, even though they'd been walking for almost half an hour straight, Connor had found a pretty good spot. He looked around to try and get his bearings, and noticed an already very familiar building.  
"Connor?"  
"Mm?" Connor turned around to look at Kevin.  
"You know that's our dorm building, right?" He said, pointing at the building which was closer than Connor would have wanted to admit. He gave a sheepish grin,  
"Whoops."


	3. Chapter 3

It was late. Kevin's eyes refused to close, though the rest of his body told him to sleep. He was in the purgatory of sleep, not quite dreaming, not quite fully awake. His thoughts were swimming through his mind and refused to quieten down. They taunted him as they snatched the sweet embrace of sleep away from his grasp just as he thought he was falling. His mind replayed earlier events over and over again, like a broken recording. It had been unexpected, sudden, and downright confusing.

"So your family are pretty strict, huh?" Kevin had been telling Connor about his life back home, and the rules his parents set him. He didn't find it that bad, but Connor always seemed surprised whenever Kevin told him that amazing things were expected of him. Maybe it wasn't so bad for Kevin, because he knew he could do amazing things.  
"I guess, but it's not that bad," He smiled, hoping that this time Connor would stop worrying, although it wasn't likely. He would probably go on for about 5 minutes on how it was unfair, or cruel. Instead, he just looked down at his hands and twirled his thumbs. Kevin couldn't tell what he was thinking from the look on his face, which was unusual, as Connor normally revealed all his thoughts and feelings through his expressions. But now, Kevin was left guessing for what felt like too long, but was only a few moments. Connor finally looked up and took a deep breath.

"So what does a family like yours think about, I dunno, gay people?" Connor knew it wasn't fair to hide it from Kevin, but there was no way to tell how he'd react. He knew Mormons didn't exactly have the best opinion on people like Connor, but maybe Kevin was different, maybe he didn't mind. Kevin looked at his friend perplexed. Connor was scared. He hadn't felt like this since he told his Christian parents about his love for boys. Now, he had to tell his Mormon friend (his attractive Mormon friend) the exact same thing.  
"Well," Connor had almost forgotten that he'd asked a question, but now Kevin had an answer, and Connor was all ears. "My parents always told me it was wrong, and I've never had a reason to doubt them," He said it so nonchalantly. Connor's stomach turned. It wasn't going well. It wasn't going like he planned. He wished he could just stop, run away and pretend that he'd never said anything. He wished that the earth would just swallow him and send him to the depths of Hell. It would be better than this conversation. But alas, Connor had to go on. He had to continue what he'd started.  
"Well," He had to find the words, "What would you think if I was gay?" Kevin stared, Connor looked only at the ground, memorizing the shades of green in the grass. He only looked up for a second, before looking down again. It was too much to handle.  
"Are you?" The moment of truth. The moment Connor had been dreading since he found out Kevin was a Mormon. The moment that could make or break their relationship. It all came down to this; and Connor was terrified.

"Yes."

 _But that's not right._

 _He hates me, doesn't he?_

 _How? Why?_

 _I should just leave._

Kevin couldn't think of anything to say. He just sat there, praying that something, just something, could change the subject. He hadn't expected it. He hadn't expected anything like it. His parents had taught him all his life that being gay is wrong, no exceptions. But Connor was a good person. Sure, he wasn't perfect, or the sort of person his parents would appreciate him being friends with, but he was a good person nonetheless. Everything in his body was telling him that Connor was good, it didn't matter if he was gay. But his parents wouldn't lie to him. Lying was a sin. And so was being gay.

Connor stood up. He knew that he'd made a mistake. He knew he shouldn't have brought it up, and now he'd ruined everything. He figured he'd just go back to their room, and pretend to be sleeping as soon as Kevin walked in. He knew he could only avoid conversation for so long, but he needed to, so that's what he did. He picked up his bag and walked back to the dorm, not taking his eyes of the ground. He was ashamed. Ashamed that he'd messed things up. Ashamed that he'd just pushed Kevin away. Ashamed that he'd just ran away from his problem rather than facing it. Ashamed.

Kevin stayed there. He stayed sat on the bench under the tree until the light was swallowed by darkness. For the first time, he couldn't explain his emotions. He was stunned into confusion and disbelief. Connor couldn't be gay. Even if he was, he couldn't be a bad person, because Connor just wasn't bad. In fact, he was one of the nicest people Kevin knew. He felt it again. That churning in his stomach, and the clenching in his chest. It was almost painful. He tried to get rid of it. He tried to just not feel it, but that only made it worse. Every time he chose not to feel anything, it came back, only stronger. Is this what Connor felt like? No, it couldn't be. Because Kevin was perfect, and most certainly not a sinner. He slowly made his way to his room, to try and get some sleep.

The door creaked open. Connor turned in his bed to face the wall and stayed as silent as he could. He could hear Kevin shuffle to take of his shoes, then walk into the bathroom and close the door behind him. After a few long moments he heard the bathroom door open again, and sheets shuffled to signal that Kevin was in bed. Connor failed to fall asleep that night. His mind was filled with possible conversations in the morning, and all ended with rejection.


	4. Chapter 4

It was too much to handle, too much to bare. Kevin's mind had betrayed him for weeks on end, to the point that even the mere sight of Connor made him just want to cry. Eventually, he did. Connor was packing away new clothes that he had bought, and Kevin was sat on his bed, reading and stealing glances over at his roommate. His stomach clenched, his chest didn't allow him to breathe, and he couldn't hold back the tears that had been threatening to leave for weeks. He hoped Connor wouldn't notice, as they'd been avoiding eye contact for what seemed like forever, but Kevin's staggered breathing made it all too obvious. As Connor looked up, Kevin looked down, ashamed. He felt the bed shift beside him, and Connor put a hand on his knee in a comforting way. There was silence between them, only interrupted slightly by Kevin's quiet sobs. They stayed like that for a while, although neither knew exactly how long.

Connor had never seen Kevin cry. He'd never really seen Kevin upset. He felt guilty for it, but he'd always just assumed that Kevin was completely stable, and wasn't the type to cry, or show any signs of being upset for that matter. He tried to show comfort as best he could, without making things even more awkward between the two of them. He couldn't help but see Kevin as attractive, even at his most vulnerable. Eventually, Kevin managed to stop the flood of tears, and tried to calm himself down.  
"Are you okay?" Connor finally asked, although it was pretty obvious at this point that no, Kevin was not okay. The only answer was a shake of the head, and more tears threatening to fall. "What's wrong, Kevin? What's wrong?" Connor felt like he was in mother-mode, only wanting to know what was upsetting Kevin, and how to make it better. For the first time all night, Kevin looked up to see Connor. His cheeks were red and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. He looked lost, and confused.

"I just... I'm confused," It was the best word for it. Everything inside Kevin had gone 'wrong' and he didn't know how to fix it. He just knew he needed fixing. Connor stayed quiet, silently urging Kevin to elaborate. "It's wrong, right? That's what my parents always told me, and they wouldn't lie. Lying is worse than... well, you know," He hated saying it to Connor, but Connor was the only person to listen. The reaction wasn't expected. Kevin was pulled into a tight hug, and instead of resisting, he leaned into Connor hesitantly, not quite relaxing, but feeling comforted nonetheless.  
"It doesn't have to be wrong. I was born this way, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It doesn't mean your parents are lying either, that's just what they believe," Kevin could feel Connor's chest vibrate with each word. He was so busy thinking about the position he was in that he almost didn't register what was being said. It took him a second to process.  
"You were born like that?" Kevin didn't need to look up to know that Connor had nodded. "You didn't choose it?" He was starting to doubt everything his parents had told him. But why would they lie? Connor wouldn't lie to him either though. His thoughts were broken by Connor's laughter.  
"It's not a choice, Kevin. No one would choose this," He hadn't thought of it like that. He hadn't thought that maybe it wasn't a choice. He hadn't thought that his parents had misguided him. He hadn't thought that after all this time trying it was useless. He was stuck this way, no matter how hard he tried.  
"So, you can't choose to be normal?"  
"There's no such thing as normal,"

Kevin's entire demeanor had changed. He went completely silent, except for his breathing, which Connor could feel on his chest. There was silence between them yet again. For Connor, the world was still. He was only brought back to reality when he heard a sob from Kevin. Looking down, he saw his roommate shaking and crying into his hands, still leaning on Connor's chest. Connor used his free hand to pull Kevin's hands away from his face and wipe away the tears that were staining his cheeks.  
"What is it, Kevin? What else is bothering you?" At this point, all Connor wanted was for Kevin to feel okay. Not necessarily completely happy, but just okay. Okay enough that he didn't need to cry anymore. Okay enough that he could sleep well for once.  
"I'm broken, aren't I?" Kevin managed to speak through his tears, but Connor was still confused. He didn't know what Kevin was talking about, or why he had resumed crying.  
"What do you mean? You're not broken,"

How could he explain this? All this time he thought he could fix himself if he just tried hard enough, but that wasn't the case. Connor was telling him that he wasn't broken, but Connor didn't know the whole story. He felt stupid for thinking it was easy, that there was a cure. The truth was, he was broken beyond repair. There was no way Connor would understand it completely. He seemed so secure in himself; the exact opposite of what Kevin was.  
"I thought I could change it, you know? I thought that if I told myself I was normal, then it would eventually work," He had nothing to lose now. He'd already let his exterior crumble in front of the one person he didn't want to show his weaker side, and his dignity was long gone. Connor only sat and listened, but his silence was comforting, and Kevin just needed someone to listen. "I guess I just wasn't expecting it. My parents always told me that I'm perfect, I didn't think that maybe I wasn't perfect. Now it's pretty clear that I'm not," He was silenced by Connor's index finger pressing against his lips. Kevin felt his face heat up, and knew that he was visibly red. He was trying to understand the look on Connor's face. It was only until they were inches away that he realized.

Connor couldn't help himself. He knew it was selfish, and he knew Kevin was vulnerable. Still, he leaned in. Kevin seemed to realize what was happening, but didn't pull away, as Connor expected he would have. He would scold himself later for always assuming Kevin was going to flinch or run away. Their lips met, and Connor felt a spark. Neither pulled away, because neither wanted to. Connor moved so that he could hold Kevin a little closer, and Kevin tried desperately to do everything Connor was doing, making it apparent he'd never kissed anyone before, not even a girl. They eventually pulled away for breath. Connor wanted more, but knew better. Kevin was still weak and discovering himself. It would be wrong to push him past his limit, since he seemed to be at it already. Kevin's face was flushed and his eyes were full of a mix of confusion and joy, surprise and excitement. At the very least, he'd stop crying completely.  
"I think we should get some sleep, don't you?"


End file.
